#3. The Wall

Third time’s a charm, so LET’S DO THIS.

A few weeks ago, I was hit with a desire to build a wall. No, not a literal wall. The one driven by a desire to isolate yourself after experiencing a familiar sense of loneliness and anxiety that you haven’t felt in a long time. You know, the kind that makes you question your friendship with other people and makes you wonder why they don’t seem to want to hang out with you anymore? Yeah, that kind.

And while I was riding that emotional rollercoaster of inevitable doom, I could feel my sanity deteriorating. I was pushing my close friends away, and I wasn’t being subtle about it. Whenever I left the room, I always made sure to put an ear on the door for about 10 seconds to make sure people weren’t talking about me. Maybe I think too highly of myself, because why would people spend their time talking about me? 

Anyways, back to the main point. I felt lonely. All my other friends were getting close to each other, and I was being left behind. But I didn’t do anything about it. Instead, I built a wall, and as time passed, the wall grew larger and larger. And it showed to the people around me. I found myself unable to trust and communicate with them and ended up doing very immature things to show it.

Eventually, they got the notice and I got left behind in my own wall, this time for real. It took me about 3 days of staring at it to realise what I had done. And when I did, I hated myself even more than I had ever done in my life. So, I grew a pair of balls and I did what I had do, I picked up the wrecking balls and decided to talk it out with them. One by one, I apologised for what I had done to them and admitted to my own faults, and for now, all is well. And as it turned out, they had no ill feelings towards me until I started to actively push them away. Shit.

It may take a while to restore our friendship to what it was before, but I have hope that it will get better in time and who knows, maybe we’ll even be stronger than before.

So I guess if I could take away something from this, it’s that your perception may not be reality. Learn how to see the big picture, and if you ever feel alone, don’t wait for people to come to you. Sometimes, you have to approach them, because maybe they’re not the ones pushing you away. Maybe it’s the other way around.

#2. The happiest days of our lives

And I mean the title in a very sarcastic way.

So where do I begin with this. A lot of bad stuff happened this week. Let’s recount, shall we?

Monday-Wednesday: The same boring cycle of rehearsals and meetings for the drama club I’m in. While I do look forward to meetings (I get to zone out AND feel relevant at the same time), the rehearsals, eh… not so much.

It’s probably because I get to see her again. Her, who I held in such high regard, thinking we would make such a good team. Her, who I was okay with just being friends with, even after I was rejected. But getting over her came with a cost.

I put down the kaleidoscope that I viewed her with and starting seeing with my own eyes. She was not as perfect as I made her out to be. And that’s my fault for even making an illusion of her in the first place. And I feel nothing but self-loathe for raising my expectations.

At this point, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do. She confronted me a few days ago about this, and I’m not sure whether I wanna talk about my irrational hatred. But that’s not all about this week.

Thursday & Friday: WORST. CHURCH SERVICE. EVER.

And it’s unpleasant to know that I was part of why it went wrong. There are several parts of the Service where I was supposed to present a thurible (filled with burning charcoal and incense) to the Priest. But I didn’t get to do any of those parts.

And it was because slow-witted me forgot to tend to the fire that was supposed to light up the charcoal and it went out. As a result, for the entirety of the Service, I was left in a panicked state, even though I knew there was nothing I could do to make it better.

With that, I ended up spending the whole of Good Friday feeling miserable for myself. And checking social media didn’t help too. Turns out watching people live their happy lives doesn’t help to ease the pain. Ugh. Happiness.

Anyways, I don’t think I’ll be serving another major Service/Mass anytime soon.

But after all that happened this week, at least I still have the weekends to look forward to before school starts on Monday, right? And if not, at least the Sun’s still shining, I’ve got a roof over my head and I’m alive. I think. But now’s not the time for discussing the purpose behind our existence. That’s for another time.

#1. The one where I introduce myself

For real this time. I’ve had way too many blogs in the past and I’ve given up on them. Sometimes I cringe physically just thinking about what I’ve posted on them. So I guess this could be another mistake, or this could be the one to stick with me for the rest of my life. (Not putting my money on either choice.)

So, in this blog, I’m gonna be posting whenever I feel like posting with absolutely no commitment attached to it. Who knows? It could be Reviews, Reflections, Rants, Rankings… (help me out here, I’m running out of things that start with R)

Anyways, why did I start this blog? Duh. Because the cool kids are doing it and I strive to blend in… but seriously tho I started this blog because I think of it as a blank slate. I can undo the mistake of following people on private instagram. Here, I can say anything I want without thinking of other people’s feelings. It’s a very liberating feeling… except for Ferra. Hi Ferra. (But then again, when you think about it, we aren’t really that connected, so I highly doubt that anything in my personal life would affect you that much.)

Also, I wouldn’t have that looming thought that I’m annoying people that much. Having a private instagram in which people follow me is contradictory… but then of course, I have to give in to society by letting the follow me & it lowkey probably gives them the thought that I trust them wholeheartedly with all my secrets and thoughts. But I don’t.

Not all of them anyway. I could easily just block them from it, but then again, I’m not that bad of a person. (I think.)

Okay. I guess that’s it for a first (and maybe last) post. I might post again here, but like I said, no commitments. So, until next time… bye.

Or something like that.