#3. The Wall

Third time’s a charm, so LET’S DO THIS.

A few weeks ago, I was hit with a desire to build a wall. No, not a literal wall. The one driven by a desire to isolate yourself after experiencing a familiar sense of loneliness and anxiety that you haven’t felt in a long time. You know, the kind that makes you question your friendship with other people and makes you wonder why they don’t seem to want to hang out with you anymore? Yeah, that kind.

And while I was riding that emotional rollercoaster of inevitable doom, I could feel my sanity deteriorating. I was pushing my close friends away, and I wasn’t being subtle about it. Whenever I left the room, I always made sure to put an ear on the door for about 10 seconds to make sure people weren’t talking about me. Maybe I think too highly of myself, because why would people spend their time talking about me? 

Anyways, back to the main point. I felt lonely. All my other friends were getting close to each other, and I was being left behind. But I didn’t do anything about it. Instead, I built a wall, and as time passed, the wall grew larger and larger. And it showed to the people around me. I found myself unable to trust and communicate with them and ended up doing very immature things to show it.

Eventually, they got the notice and I got left behind in my own wall, this time for real. It took me about 3 days of staring at it to realise what I had done. And when I did, I hated myself even more than I had ever done in my life. So, I grew a pair of balls and I did what I had do, I picked up the wrecking balls and decided to talk it out with them. One by one, I apologised for what I had done to them and admitted to my own faults, and for now, all is well. And as it turned out, they had no ill feelings towards me until I started to actively push them away. Shit.

It may take a while to restore our friendship to what it was before, but I have hope that it will get better in time and who knows, maybe we’ll even be stronger than before.

So I guess if I could take away something from this, it’s that your perception may not be reality. Learn how to see the big picture, and if you ever feel alone, don’t wait for people to come to you. Sometimes, you have to approach them, because maybe they’re not the ones pushing you away. Maybe it’s the other way around.

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